Thursday, 16 August 2012
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Tenfoot City Magazine (Issue 15)
Anyone capable of rational thought should be fully aware in this age of information that the bible is a work of lunacy which has been used for the last two thousand years to enslave our minds and persuade us to kill anyone who who isn't sucking on a crucifix. However let's be honest. The world is full of thick people who can't be bothered to make an informed choice based on their own research so for the benefit of those poor thumbless unfortunates here is a list of quotes taken directly from the good book itself.
Of course the Christians will prattle on about the Old testament being a metaphor, a story within a story and if you read it backwards in front of a mirror in the middle of the night with one eye slightly closed the hidden message will reveal itself and Jesus will fly in through the window, sprinkle you with fairy dust and whisk you off to Neverland....but you know, Christians are ridiculous people and should be ignored at the best of times so read the quotes and brace yourself for impact.
Anyone who claims to talk with spirits must be stoned to death (Leviticus 20:27).
Any spirit except God that is, and lest we forget Jesus.
Anyone who does not worship God must be put to death (2 Chronicles 15:13).
Ah, power through fear. How very Christian.
Any woman who has had premarital sex must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:21).
Sensible rules for the modern woman. It's like Sex in the City was never made.
If a man has sex with a menstruating women, both are to be exiled (Leviticus 20:18).
No wonder anal sex is so popular.
A man who marries a mother and daughter must burn in a fire (Leviticus 20:14).
A man who marries a mother and daughter should receive some kind of award in my book.
If two men have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:13).
You don’t get many Gay Christians do you? Actually, you do!
If a mother and son have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:11).
Of course the Christians will prattle on about the Old testament being a metaphor, a story within a story and if you read it backwards in front of a mirror in the middle of the night with one eye slightly closed the hidden message will reveal itself and Jesus will fly in through the window, sprinkle you with fairy dust and whisk you off to Neverland....but you know, Christians are ridiculous people and should be ignored at the best of times so read the quotes and brace yourself for impact.
Anyone who claims to talk with spirits must be stoned to death (Leviticus 20:27).
Any spirit except God that is, and lest we forget Jesus.
Anyone who does not worship God must be put to death (2 Chronicles 15:13).
Ah, power through fear. How very Christian.
Any woman who has had premarital sex must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:21).
Sensible rules for the modern woman. It's like Sex in the City was never made.
If a man has sex with a menstruating women, both are to be exiled (Leviticus 20:18).
No wonder anal sex is so popular.
A man who marries a mother and daughter must burn in a fire (Leviticus 20:14).
A man who marries a mother and daughter should receive some kind of award in my book.
If two men have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:13).
You don’t get many Gay Christians do you? Actually, you do!
If a mother and son have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:11).
The entire population of Grimsby must be quaking in their sandals
Anyone who commits murder must be put to death (Leviticus 24:17).
Except if they happen to be murdering Muslims, or anyone who worships other God's, and Gay people, rebellious slaves and people who don't use Coasters,
Anyone who commits adultery must be put to death (Deuteronomy 22:22).
3/4 of Hull council would be instantly wiped out
Anyone who disobeys a judge or priest must be put to death (Deuteronomy 17:12).
What if the judge or priest is corrupt? Ah, it doesn’t matter does it. You’re a peasant and should respect authority without question. It’s all so clear to me now.
Anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death (Exodus 35:2).
That’s Sainsbury’s staff fucked then.
Any prophet who tries to turn you against God must be put to death (Deuteronomy 13:5).
Kill anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Magic.
A stubborn and rebellious son must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
Look, you either let me molest you, or I’m inviting the neighbours round to throw bricks at your head.
Anyone who curses or blasphemes must be stoned to death (Leviticus 24:14-16).
Jesus Fucking Christ!
God will kill men, have their children smashed, and have their wives raped (Isaiah 13:15-16).
What a nice guy
God will lay waste to entire cities and make the lands desolate (Jeremiah 4:7).
He’s a real charmer isn’t he?
God will set people, animals, and even plants on fire because of his anger (Jeremiah 7:20).
Even Plants! I always wondered why I never saw any trees putting coins in the collection plate.
God will send so much evil that people would rather be dead than suffer (Jeremiah 8:3).
And the songs of Snow Patrol are a testament to just that.
God will cause everyone to become drunk so father and son will kill one another (Jeremiah 13:14).
If Gods buying, Ill have a double JD and coke with plenty of ice.
God will make people hungry enough to eat their own children and friends (Jeremiah 19:9).
That’s why I keep the company of Fat people.
God will burn entire cities with the inhabitants still inside (Jeremiah 50:32).
Someone really should take away this guys matches.
God will break peoples bones and knock their teeth out with stones (Lamentations 3:1-16).
He’s a poet and he didn’t even know it!
God will be comforted by killing everyone with pestilence, plagues, and swords (Ezekiel 5:12-13).
So God gets his kicks out of people killing each other. It all makes sense now!
God will turn daughters into whores and wives into adulterers (Hosea 4:13).
Hey, I’m kind of growing to like him.
God will tear people apart and devour them like a lion (Hosea 13:8).
He should really eat more vegetables; too much human flesh is bad for the colon.
God will kill children and unborn foetuses because their parents worship other gods (Hosea 13:16).
What a rotter
God will kill inhabitants of entire cities if they have a corrupt government (Micah 3:9-12).
Show me a government that isn’t corrupt and I’ll show you a three eyed midget with ten tits
God will consume every living thing from the face of the earth (Zephaniah 1:2-3).
He should really consider a diet
God will send plagues on people and animals to rot away tongues and eyes (Zechariah 14:12-15)
Now he’s just being silly
Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. (Ephesians 6:5 )
Anyone who commits murder must be put to death (Leviticus 24:17).
Except if they happen to be murdering Muslims, or anyone who worships other God's, and Gay people, rebellious slaves and people who don't use Coasters,
Anyone who commits adultery must be put to death (Deuteronomy 22:22).
3/4 of Hull council would be instantly wiped out
Anyone who disobeys a judge or priest must be put to death (Deuteronomy 17:12).
What if the judge or priest is corrupt? Ah, it doesn’t matter does it. You’re a peasant and should respect authority without question. It’s all so clear to me now.
Anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death (Exodus 35:2).
That’s Sainsbury’s staff fucked then.
Any prophet who tries to turn you against God must be put to death (Deuteronomy 13:5).
Kill anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Magic.
A stubborn and rebellious son must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
Look, you either let me molest you, or I’m inviting the neighbours round to throw bricks at your head.
Anyone who curses or blasphemes must be stoned to death (Leviticus 24:14-16).
Jesus Fucking Christ!
God will kill men, have their children smashed, and have their wives raped (Isaiah 13:15-16).
What a nice guy
God will lay waste to entire cities and make the lands desolate (Jeremiah 4:7).
He’s a real charmer isn’t he?
God will set people, animals, and even plants on fire because of his anger (Jeremiah 7:20).
Even Plants! I always wondered why I never saw any trees putting coins in the collection plate.
God will send so much evil that people would rather be dead than suffer (Jeremiah 8:3).
And the songs of Snow Patrol are a testament to just that.
God will cause everyone to become drunk so father and son will kill one another (Jeremiah 13:14).
If Gods buying, Ill have a double JD and coke with plenty of ice.
God will make people hungry enough to eat their own children and friends (Jeremiah 19:9).
That’s why I keep the company of Fat people.
God will burn entire cities with the inhabitants still inside (Jeremiah 50:32).
Someone really should take away this guys matches.
God will break peoples bones and knock their teeth out with stones (Lamentations 3:1-16).
He’s a poet and he didn’t even know it!
God will be comforted by killing everyone with pestilence, plagues, and swords (Ezekiel 5:12-13).
So God gets his kicks out of people killing each other. It all makes sense now!
God will turn daughters into whores and wives into adulterers (Hosea 4:13).
Hey, I’m kind of growing to like him.
God will tear people apart and devour them like a lion (Hosea 13:8).
He should really eat more vegetables; too much human flesh is bad for the colon.
God will kill children and unborn foetuses because their parents worship other gods (Hosea 13:16).
What a rotter
God will kill inhabitants of entire cities if they have a corrupt government (Micah 3:9-12).
Show me a government that isn’t corrupt and I’ll show you a three eyed midget with ten tits
God will consume every living thing from the face of the earth (Zephaniah 1:2-3).
He should really consider a diet
God will send plagues on people and animals to rot away tongues and eyes (Zechariah 14:12-15)
Now he’s just being silly
Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. (Ephesians 6:5 )
................I think that will do.
(2007)
(2007)
Tenfoot City Magazine (Issue 14)
Imagine if you will.
Your Mother has buried you in the ground, she's wept tears and worn black and now, as she's clearing your house of it's contents, your old lady opens a bedroom draw and discovers a 16 inch petrol-powered dildo and an envelope full of lurid Polaroids of you, your partner and that couple you met on holiday in Corfu.
Sure it was a great night. Everyone was high on wine and willing to experiment. It's not something you'd advertise, nor is it something you regret, and yet, as you stare down at your nearest and dearest wiping off suspicious flakes from the "Black Mamba 2000" and burning the sex photos in the kitchen sink you realise that one thing is gospel and true.
Nobody really knows anybody.
Everyone has secrets. Embarrassing desires and illicit thoughts.
Some, the brave, shameless and the mentally-insane have few things to hide. They it let all hang out and do not fear the consequences of their actions and it must be a very nice way to live. You can say anything, feel anything and want anything and not have to worry what other people think of you. Ok, you might get punched in the face occasionally, you might even get arrested, but at least you’re not keeping it all in.
If you ask the average person what they really want, they give you the pre-recorded common responses; I want love, I want money, I want peace. I want my husband, my wife, my kids.'
All pretty standard stuff and all fine choices, but dig a little bit deeper. Pause, roll a cigarette and think about it. Pretend that nobody's listening and nobody cares and that if you didn't admit the absolute truth and sing it from the rooftops, somewhere in Neverland, a fairy will die.
It's a dangerous exercise.
Some will want to shag their next door neighbour, tell their best friend they love them or tell their lover they no longer do. Others will want to walk out the door and leave everything behind; the kids, the wife, the trinkets of life. Sure there are those who would want nothing more than a Giant Toblerone and a blow job and all I can say to those people is, lucky you! If your imagination doesn't stretch beyond oral sex and confectionary then you're probably very good in bed.
Still, do not fear that your desires are destined to be caged. Just because something isn’t socially acceptable or morally-sound today, doesn’t mean it won’t be tomorrow. Imagine those long cold years of homosexual repression, generations of men and women who had to hide their want, only for the state to one day turnaround and declare it all to be legally acceptable.
Personally, if I was gay, I would have been buggering my butch lover up the gates of Downing street in spite of the law. I barely pay attention to what I say, myself, never mind what nonsense the state, or law, spouts.
It’s in their best interest to encourage you to suppress your thoughts because, once you start thinking, Lord knows where it might lead.
I was highly tempted to concentrate on the whole government expenses business, this issue, but it’s rather a boring subject. The only thing I find amusing about it, is the fact that people are crying that their money is being spent on moat-cleaners and women’s underwear….. well here’s a news flash ladies and gentlemen:
Your tax dollars are also being spent on bullets, bombs and nuclear missiles but I assume you knew that already and you are ok with it, otherwise I’m sure you would taken to the streets in moral protest by now. (Wouldn’t you?)
It’s all pretty fucked really, and perhaps it always was, and in the end the very best that we can hope for is that when we breathe our last breath, and leave this rock for good, a good friend of ours will find our Dildo, laugh their arse off and chuck it in the outside bin. At least….. I hope they’d chuck it in the bin. There is nothing more disconcerting than the sight of a second-hand sex toy for sale on e-bay.
Still, maybe it is better if all of our skeletons fall out of the closet.
Why be embarrassed for being a human being?
P.S. I’d like to big up the Hull Truck Theatre which has finally opened it’s doors. They’ve managed to retain the charm and accessibility of the old building, everything looks pretty and new and I, for one, am impressed from my boots to my bonnet. Hull finally has an artistic base it can celebrate and be proud of and I cannot applaud the driving forces behind the project hard enough. A job well done indeed and if I could take them all out for an evening of scotch and strippers, I would gladly do so.
The opening play might have been the single greatest atrocity in Hull’s theatre history but I’m sure we will be blessed with many great shows and productions in the future.
Your Mother has buried you in the ground, she's wept tears and worn black and now, as she's clearing your house of it's contents, your old lady opens a bedroom draw and discovers a 16 inch petrol-powered dildo and an envelope full of lurid Polaroids of you, your partner and that couple you met on holiday in Corfu.
Sure it was a great night. Everyone was high on wine and willing to experiment. It's not something you'd advertise, nor is it something you regret, and yet, as you stare down at your nearest and dearest wiping off suspicious flakes from the "Black Mamba 2000" and burning the sex photos in the kitchen sink you realise that one thing is gospel and true.
Nobody really knows anybody.
Everyone has secrets. Embarrassing desires and illicit thoughts.
Some, the brave, shameless and the mentally-insane have few things to hide. They it let all hang out and do not fear the consequences of their actions and it must be a very nice way to live. You can say anything, feel anything and want anything and not have to worry what other people think of you. Ok, you might get punched in the face occasionally, you might even get arrested, but at least you’re not keeping it all in.
If you ask the average person what they really want, they give you the pre-recorded common responses; I want love, I want money, I want peace. I want my husband, my wife, my kids.'
All pretty standard stuff and all fine choices, but dig a little bit deeper. Pause, roll a cigarette and think about it. Pretend that nobody's listening and nobody cares and that if you didn't admit the absolute truth and sing it from the rooftops, somewhere in Neverland, a fairy will die.
It's a dangerous exercise.
Some will want to shag their next door neighbour, tell their best friend they love them or tell their lover they no longer do. Others will want to walk out the door and leave everything behind; the kids, the wife, the trinkets of life. Sure there are those who would want nothing more than a Giant Toblerone and a blow job and all I can say to those people is, lucky you! If your imagination doesn't stretch beyond oral sex and confectionary then you're probably very good in bed.
Still, do not fear that your desires are destined to be caged. Just because something isn’t socially acceptable or morally-sound today, doesn’t mean it won’t be tomorrow. Imagine those long cold years of homosexual repression, generations of men and women who had to hide their want, only for the state to one day turnaround and declare it all to be legally acceptable.
Personally, if I was gay, I would have been buggering my butch lover up the gates of Downing street in spite of the law. I barely pay attention to what I say, myself, never mind what nonsense the state, or law, spouts.
It’s in their best interest to encourage you to suppress your thoughts because, once you start thinking, Lord knows where it might lead.
I was highly tempted to concentrate on the whole government expenses business, this issue, but it’s rather a boring subject. The only thing I find amusing about it, is the fact that people are crying that their money is being spent on moat-cleaners and women’s underwear….. well here’s a news flash ladies and gentlemen:
Your tax dollars are also being spent on bullets, bombs and nuclear missiles but I assume you knew that already and you are ok with it, otherwise I’m sure you would taken to the streets in moral protest by now. (Wouldn’t you?)
It’s all pretty fucked really, and perhaps it always was, and in the end the very best that we can hope for is that when we breathe our last breath, and leave this rock for good, a good friend of ours will find our Dildo, laugh their arse off and chuck it in the outside bin. At least….. I hope they’d chuck it in the bin. There is nothing more disconcerting than the sight of a second-hand sex toy for sale on e-bay.
Still, maybe it is better if all of our skeletons fall out of the closet.
Why be embarrassed for being a human being?
P.S. I’d like to big up the Hull Truck Theatre which has finally opened it’s doors. They’ve managed to retain the charm and accessibility of the old building, everything looks pretty and new and I, for one, am impressed from my boots to my bonnet. Hull finally has an artistic base it can celebrate and be proud of and I cannot applaud the driving forces behind the project hard enough. A job well done indeed and if I could take them all out for an evening of scotch and strippers, I would gladly do so.
The opening play might have been the single greatest atrocity in Hull’s theatre history but I’m sure we will be blessed with many great shows and productions in the future.
Tenfoot City Magazine (Issue 13)
Welcome to Hull’s credit crunch Christmas. People are being laid off, everyone is skint and up to their eyeballs in visa-card repayments and little Tommy is destined to be bawling his eyes out when he discovers that Santa has delivered him an I.O.U and a handful of walnuts instead of a new bike and a Playstation 3.
Pub Landlords are committing ritual suicide up and down the city because everyone’s puffing fags at home to avoid catching chronic hypothermia in whatever half-arsed smoking area they have managed to cobble together. Grandmas are keeling over in their armchairs frozen to the bone due to spiralling central heating costs and with their last gargling breath cursing the Gods for not keeping them alive long enough to find out the outcome of Strictly come dancing.
Alcoholics are mixing cocktails of old-spice and ethanol as they can no longer afford their daily bucket of white cider and, somewhere in the depths of a council estate, a young boy is thinking about sniffing a can of Mr Sheen through his mothers best towel because he can no longer scrape the money together for a fiver deal of cellotape-riddled cannabis resin.
It's an 80’s revival! We've regressed 25 years in the space of 6 months and all we need to do now in order to cement our step back in time is to call for the Housemartins to reform and elect a conservative government into power to sing about. I’d say we are heading for another winter of discontent but the weak trade unions are too hung over on champagne socialism to strike.
We’ve become a nation of nodding dogs drunk on the superficial life of materialism. We've furnished our cages with Ikea furniture and set-top-boxes and forgotten about the bars underneath them. We've rewarded fame rather than talent, chased after dreams of Celebrity stardom and magical lottery wins. We’ve been fooled, duped and made to look stupid but sod it….it’s happened. We can’t change what has been but we can learn from our mistakes and ensure that this cycle of boom and bullshit finally comes to an end.
It’s time to experiment . To take risks. We have to start thinking for ourselves and not be swayed by media spin and the false promises of politicians. We need straight answers to straight questions and total government transparency. If something is broke we need to be told and maybe we can fix it. Not for self interest, company interest or financial reward but because it needs fixing for the benefit of the nation as a whole.
People need to get together and get talking. Form groups and philosophize. We need fresh ideas and new approaches to the problems however radical they may be. Maybe capitalism has had it’s day, maybe democracy is a sham. Maybe Celebrity culture has gone too far, maybe our kids aspirations are being warped and education is a farce and maybe we are on the brink of environmental meltdown.
All these issues need to be discussed but not in the corridors and board rooms of power. They need to be discussed in the living rooms and around the kitchen tables. The government is supposed to respond to the will of the people, so let’s show them some will, some desire, some fight or we will forever been known as the wasted generation of history. The generation who could have saved the world but instead just let it all slip away because of their selfish apathy and inability to collaborate with others of like mind.
It’s time we turned off our televisions for at least one night a week and devoted that time to something more pro-active.
A man who sits on his arse in a comfortable chair eating pasties, drinking beer and watching The Bill isn’t a man he’s like the pet rabbit whose name you never remember and then one day he’ll keel over and die in his hutch with a mouthful of food and someone will stick him in a shoe box and bury him in the garden. He never had a positive impact on society, he never fought for freedom, advocated any change, campaigned for the rights of all the other rabbits. He was quite content to live and die as long as someone provided him with carrots, water and straw for a bed.
The rabbit existed. It didn’t live and it’s about time we all used the life that we have in order to ensure that the future is one of community, common sense and reason. Not of splintered individualism and uncontested stupidity and if anyone wants to blame someone for the state of the world, the state of the economy and the constant war and injustice, then the first blame you should cast is to blame yourself.
You are either doing nothing to improve the situation, or you are not doing enough.
Anyway, Merry Christmas… and, to one and to all, a good night.
Bugs Bunny.
(2007)
Pub Landlords are committing ritual suicide up and down the city because everyone’s puffing fags at home to avoid catching chronic hypothermia in whatever half-arsed smoking area they have managed to cobble together. Grandmas are keeling over in their armchairs frozen to the bone due to spiralling central heating costs and with their last gargling breath cursing the Gods for not keeping them alive long enough to find out the outcome of Strictly come dancing.
Alcoholics are mixing cocktails of old-spice and ethanol as they can no longer afford their daily bucket of white cider and, somewhere in the depths of a council estate, a young boy is thinking about sniffing a can of Mr Sheen through his mothers best towel because he can no longer scrape the money together for a fiver deal of cellotape-riddled cannabis resin.
It's an 80’s revival! We've regressed 25 years in the space of 6 months and all we need to do now in order to cement our step back in time is to call for the Housemartins to reform and elect a conservative government into power to sing about. I’d say we are heading for another winter of discontent but the weak trade unions are too hung over on champagne socialism to strike.
We’ve become a nation of nodding dogs drunk on the superficial life of materialism. We've furnished our cages with Ikea furniture and set-top-boxes and forgotten about the bars underneath them. We've rewarded fame rather than talent, chased after dreams of Celebrity stardom and magical lottery wins. We’ve been fooled, duped and made to look stupid but sod it….it’s happened. We can’t change what has been but we can learn from our mistakes and ensure that this cycle of boom and bullshit finally comes to an end.
It’s time to experiment . To take risks. We have to start thinking for ourselves and not be swayed by media spin and the false promises of politicians. We need straight answers to straight questions and total government transparency. If something is broke we need to be told and maybe we can fix it. Not for self interest, company interest or financial reward but because it needs fixing for the benefit of the nation as a whole.
People need to get together and get talking. Form groups and philosophize. We need fresh ideas and new approaches to the problems however radical they may be. Maybe capitalism has had it’s day, maybe democracy is a sham. Maybe Celebrity culture has gone too far, maybe our kids aspirations are being warped and education is a farce and maybe we are on the brink of environmental meltdown.
All these issues need to be discussed but not in the corridors and board rooms of power. They need to be discussed in the living rooms and around the kitchen tables. The government is supposed to respond to the will of the people, so let’s show them some will, some desire, some fight or we will forever been known as the wasted generation of history. The generation who could have saved the world but instead just let it all slip away because of their selfish apathy and inability to collaborate with others of like mind.
It’s time we turned off our televisions for at least one night a week and devoted that time to something more pro-active.
A man who sits on his arse in a comfortable chair eating pasties, drinking beer and watching The Bill isn’t a man he’s like the pet rabbit whose name you never remember and then one day he’ll keel over and die in his hutch with a mouthful of food and someone will stick him in a shoe box and bury him in the garden. He never had a positive impact on society, he never fought for freedom, advocated any change, campaigned for the rights of all the other rabbits. He was quite content to live and die as long as someone provided him with carrots, water and straw for a bed.
The rabbit existed. It didn’t live and it’s about time we all used the life that we have in order to ensure that the future is one of community, common sense and reason. Not of splintered individualism and uncontested stupidity and if anyone wants to blame someone for the state of the world, the state of the economy and the constant war and injustice, then the first blame you should cast is to blame yourself.
You are either doing nothing to improve the situation, or you are not doing enough.
Anyway, Merry Christmas… and, to one and to all, a good night.
Bugs Bunny.
(2007)
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