Trailer: Dark Shadows

Review: Anonymous

The idea that the works attributed to William Shakespeare were written by somebody else is an interesting historical conspiracy. The likes of Christopher Marlowe, Ben Jonson, Francis Bacon have all been suggested by various scholars and crackpots as being the real author of the great plays and poems, but it is the so-called 'Oxfordian theory' which proves the inspiration behind Roland Emmerich's period drama Anonymous (2011).

Rhys Ifans plays Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford and Renaissance man who is introduced into the court of the young Elizabeth I (Joely Richardson), beginning a secretive, passionate relationship with the young queen. After having a secret baby together, de Vere secretly ghost writes plays using an illiterate drunken actor called Will Shakespeare as his stooge. Add a bit of murder and incest into the mix and you have all the ingredients of a script worthy of the Great Bard himself. Unfortunately, screenwriter John Orloff is not quite in the same league as Shakespeare, and disaster movie director Emmerich has, accidentally this time, delivered a distaste of a movie.

Aside from Ifans, whose turn as the stoic Earl is worthy of a better film, the rest of the cast deliver a master class in mediocrity. Vanessa Redgrave's jittery, ageing queen and Rafe Spall's irritating Shakespeare are the main offenders, and yet their performances have been lauded by some critics whose deference for Great British acting lineages seems to have had an affect on their judgement. As for Derek Jacobi's present day opening narration, it's so pompous and ridiculous that it verges on self-parody.

Of course, Orloff and Emmerich have to shoulder much of the blame. It's easy to imagine that, when pitched, the premise for Anonymous sounded like a good idea. After all, the creators of 1998's Shakespeare in Love took giant historical liberties and that made a mountain of money. However, the difference between Anonymous and Shakespeare in Love is that the latter was a light-hearted romantic comedy that never claimed to be based on fact - therefore, it's historical accuracy was never an issue. Anonymous, on the other hand, takes itself far too seriously.

There is plenty of circumstantial evidence that supports the Oxfordian theory, but Emmerich's overblown brand of cinema is badly suited to this kind of material. He loads Anonymous with too many far-fetched revelations and unless you have absolutely no knowledge of the period, you may will find the twists to be at best absurd, and at worst, downright insulting.

Review: Puss in Boots

Almost a decade after DreamWorks Animation first released Shrek (2001), the billion dollar franchise's quality control hit an all time low with the tired and clumsy Shrek Forever After (2010). It might be a while before we see a certain Scottish green ogre on the big screen again, but Shrek the Third (2007) director Chris Miller has plucked another character from the land of Far, Far Away and given him the leading role in a swashbuckling prequel Puss in Boots (2011).

Tricked into robbing the bank of his adopted village by friend Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis), charismatic swordsman Puss (Antonio Banderas) becomes a wanted cat and reluctantly adopts the life of an outlaw thief. Years later, during an attempt to relieve Jack and Jill of their magic beans, Puss runs into cat burglar Kitty Softpaws (Salma Hayek) who has teamed up with Humpty to steal the Golden Goose from a giant's castle . Forming an uneasy alliance, the three of them team up for the ultimate fairytale heist.

The pairing of Desperado (1995) stars Banderas and Hayek for Puss in Boots is inspired casting. Both excel as the voices of Puss and Kitty, and Banderas in particular is pitch perfect as the feline Latin lover. Half-Zorro, and half-Don Juan, the key to his performance is playing it fairly straight, allowing the moving childhood scenes between Puss and Humpty to work outside of the film's comedy (which is, by and large, very funny indeed).

As for the film's 3D element, it certainly isn't in the same league as Steven Spielberg's The Adventures of Tintin (2011) or Martin Scorsese's Hugo (2011), but works well enough and appears justified. One particular scene in which the camera swoops across the plains is simple, yet effective. It seems now that as filmmakers begin to get to grips with the technology, they are beginning to fulfil its potential.

Puss in Boots succeeds in reminding us what a great idea the original Shrek movie was. Using old fairy tales and nursery rhymes as source material provides an almost limitless opportunity to play around with established, fabled characters. A certain ogre may be getting a little old in the tooth, but the world he inhabits has many more stories to tell. Miller's Puss in Boots may only be the first successful movie spin-off, but it almost certainly won't be the last.

Review: Super

First up, this is not a rip off of Kick-Ass (2010). Sure they are both films about somebody without super powers who dresses up in a silly costume and decides to fight crime but that is about all they have in common. Kick-Ass is pure light entertainment and a fun ride while it lasts but Super (2010) is a darker beast and far more affecting for it.

Rainn Wilson plays Frank Darbo, a cook at the local diner whose strung out wife Sarah (Liv Tyler) runs off with smirking pimp Jacques (Kevin Bacon). Unhinged and enraged Frank creates an alter-ego, 'The Crimson Bolt', and hangs around the neighbourhood dumpsters waiting to assault criminals with a heavy metal wrench. Along the way he meets Libby (Ellen Page), a comic book counter clerk who discovers his secret identity and forces him to accept her as his sidekick.

The violence in Kick-Ass was all very comic book. Bullets fly, people die and, although there are some graphic scenes, they are all hyper real. Super has been trashed by some critics for being too bloody and brutal and yes, you will be shocked once or twice but these scenes are completely justified.

Most of the violence is masked by cartoon captions such as 'THWACK' and 'KERPOW'. It’s only when these captions are removed that we see the reality of getting hit in the face or shot in the head. It hurts, it’s not pretty and nor is it pleasant to watch, so if you want to slip on a costume and play hero be prepared for a world of pain because it’s not like it is in the movies. Kick-Ass hinted at this, yet Super hammers it home and a lot of credit has to go to writer/director James Gunn. Gunn was almost certainly influenced by 80’s Troma films such as the Toxic Avenger (1984) and the final scene is ripped straight out of Taxi Driver (1976), yet at no time did I feel like I’d seen this all before.

Rainn Wilson does a fine job as the misguided Frank/'Crimson Bolt' and Kevin Bacon obviously relished playing the one dimensional pantomime villain. However, like Kick-Ass, it's the lady who steels the show - Ellen Page is excellent. Her character Libby a.k.a 'Boltie' is a sexually aggressive, borderline-psychopath who takes gleeful sadistic pleasure out of beating up the bad guys. I didn’t get what the big deal about Page was until I saw Drew Barrymore’s roller derby flick Whip It (2009) and her turn in Super has confirmed that she is indeed one of most talented young actors around.

Super’s box office figures may be disappointing, but this is a film always destined for cult status and I recommend you catch it during it’s limited cinema release or snag a copy as soon as it hits the shops.

Review: This Means War

Few directors have been derided by critics as much as This Means War (2012)helmsman McG. They justifiably gave the man a kicking for the below par Charlie's Angels (2000) and it's godforsaken sequel Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003). Yet although Terminator Salvation (2009) was no oil painting, the call from some quarters to subject him to death by a thousand paper cuts was perhaps a wee bit harsh.

The trailer for This Means War didn't bode well and for the first 15 minutes or so, most viewers may be expecting a train wreck. The carnage begins with CIA agents Tuck (Tom Hardy) and FDR Foster (Chris Pine) exchanging bullets with some bad guys on the roof of a Hong Kong skyscraper. Hardy looks bewildered and uncomfortable, like a man who's suddenly sobered up and realised what he's gotten himself into. The action is limp, the effects are flaccid and as opening sequences go, it's one of the worst in living memory.

Time rolls by, the boys are banished to the office due to their oriental escapade and Tuck - out of boredom more than anything - decides to join an online dating agency. Who should turn up but business women Lauren (Reese Witherspoon), who succumbs to Tuck's charms and then bumps into Foster - and consequently also succumbs to his charms. Lo and behold, both find out they are dating the same woman and then embark on a quest to sabotage each others' love lives. It sounds terrible and for a while, it is. In fact, if it wasn't for Chelsea Handler's fabulously filthy-mouthed turn as Lauren's sister Trish, This Means War might have been slipped beyond redemption.

Amazingly, things pick up - Hardy looks more comfortable, Pine is effortlessly smooth and the chemistry between the pair begins to sparkle. Add to that a great soundtrack and some more Handler magic and all but the most miserable viewer will be suitably entertained. As for McG, he doesn't really bring anything to table and his direction is pretty uninspiring - the action sequences are poor and his blushes are saved by a witty script and some charismatic actors.

This Means War may not be the highlight of Tom Hardy or Chris Pine's careers so far, but it's a fun and forgettable holiday romance to bridge the gap until the business of Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises (2012) and J. J. Abrams' as-yet untitled 2013 Star Trek sequel gets underway.

Review: One Day

Film critics can be such heartless bastards at times. I've read many assassinations of One Day (2011) in the last 24-hours, and although I expected lots of whining and over-intellectualised prose, I was hoping Lone Scherfig's follow up to An Education (2009)would have gained more favourable reviews.

I have one simple rule when it comes to critiquing other people's work: if you make me cry, then you have achieved something remarkable. Laughs are ten-a-penny and thought-provocation is no great shakes, but if you can stir-up someone's emotions and get the tears flowing freely then your creation is worth a damn.

For the last 20-minutes of One Day, I was a weeping wreck. Some reviewers have expressed anger and claimed they felt manipulated into caring about the protagonists, but I find that perspective ridiculous. All good cinema manipulates the emotions and it's snobbish and pompous to slate a film just because it's not a masterpiece of acting and direction.

Based on David Nicholls' bestseller, One Day is the tale of Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Dexter (Jim Sturgess), two students that spend the night together after their college graduation and become friends. Each year, on the same date for the next twenty years, we revisit Dexter and Emma to see where they are in their respective lives. Sometimes they are together on that day and sometimes they are not.

Cue lots of heartache, broken relationships, life lessons and longing looks. Essentially, One Day is your standard Hollywood romance for the thirty-something generation. The soundtrack of the film is the soundtrack of my youth, with everything from Primal Scream, Tears for Fears and Tricky making a welcome appearance.

Anne Hathaway's accent is somewhere between Jane Horrocks and the resident of an obscure Irish village, but she's pretty, solid and once again stakes her claim to being one of the most endearing and watchable actresses around. Jim Sturgess has never really impressed for me, but he does show glimpses that he is capable of more, though many will find his character to be a little too odious to care about. Give the man a chance and I'm sure he will win you round.

The pacing of One Day is sadly not what it could be. Some years get more screentime than others, and those that dealt with Dexter's fame and substance issues could have been fleshed out. As for the couple's chemistry, I found the relationship to be totally believable, but I can appreciate that there are those who won't buy it.

I recognised my own experiences and romantic history on screen and I have no doubt that is why I became so emotionally invested; but for me, that is another sign of greatness. Lone Scherfig is doing little more than using the characters as a mirror to the audience. If you've ever been in love, then your mind will drift to that person which creates a powerful cocktail of real and on-screen sentiment.

All great love stories have that power. The likes of Ghost (1990) and The Notebook (2004) will never be at the top of any 'greatest films of all time' list, but they will be watched and re-watched for decades to come because people like to be reminded that romance isn't yet dead.

One Day will be playing in living rooms to the sound of sniffles and crumpled chocolate wrappers for many years to come and that, for me, is worth applauding.

Swings and Roundabouts

I look through mist
at playground trysts
Two lovers kiss
in duffel coats

A face I miss
She half exists
In tea leaf bits
and hashish smoke

She stays with me
my twilight girl
She was my first
I was her third.

Hot Blood

Burning buildings
Burning homes
Burning matches
Burning bones

Burning bushes
Burning lips
Burning towers
Burning ships

Burning forests
Burning flats
Burning rubber
Burning glass

Burning bridges
Burning cars
Burning bottles
Burning bars

Burning ears
Burning eyes
Burning questions
Burning lies

Burning oil
Burning gas
Burning water
Burning fast

Burning tears
Burning looks
Burning bibles
Burning books

Burning gashes
Burning tares
Burning poems
Burning words


Bleeding clocks
Bleeding time
Bleeding spirits
Bleeding wine

Bleeding rivers
Bleeding seas
Bleeding liquor
Bleeding leaves

Bleeding silver
Bleeding gold
Bleeding money
Bleeding clothes

Bleeding planets
Bleeding stars
Bleeding Venus
Bleeding Mars

Bleeding lovers
Bleeding hands
Bleeding minutes
Bleeding plans

Bleeding battles
Bleeding wars
Bleeding bullets
Bleeding swords

Bleeding fingers
Bleeding brain
Bleeding pity
Bleeding shame

Bleeding curses
Bleeding swears
Bleeding poems
Bleeding words