Anyone capable of rational thought should be fully aware in this age of information that the bible is a work of lunacy which has been used for the last two thousand years to enslave our minds and persuade us to kill anyone who who isn't sucking on a crucifix. However let's be honest. The world is full of thick people who can't be bothered to make an informed choice based on their own research so for the benefit of those poor thumbless unfortunates here is a list of quotes taken directly from the good book itself.
Of course the Christians will prattle on about the Old testament being a metaphor, a story within a story and if you read it backwards in front of a mirror in the middle of the night with one eye slightly closed the hidden message will reveal itself and Jesus will fly in through the window, sprinkle you with fairy dust and whisk you off to Neverland....but you know, Christians are ridiculous people and should be ignored at the best of times so read the quotes and brace yourself for impact.
Anyone who claims to talk with spirits must be stoned to death (Leviticus 20:27).
Any spirit except God that is, and lest we forget Jesus.
Anyone who does not worship God must be put to death (2 Chronicles 15:13).
Ah, power through fear. How very Christian.
Any woman who has had premarital sex must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:21).
Sensible rules for the modern woman. It's like Sex in the City was never made.
If a man has sex with a menstruating women, both are to be exiled (Leviticus 20:18).
No wonder anal sex is so popular.
A man who marries a mother and daughter must burn in a fire (Leviticus 20:14).
A man who marries a mother and daughter should receive some kind of award in my book.
If two men have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:13).
You don’t get many Gay Christians do you? Actually, you do!
If a mother and son have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:11).
Of course the Christians will prattle on about the Old testament being a metaphor, a story within a story and if you read it backwards in front of a mirror in the middle of the night with one eye slightly closed the hidden message will reveal itself and Jesus will fly in through the window, sprinkle you with fairy dust and whisk you off to Neverland....but you know, Christians are ridiculous people and should be ignored at the best of times so read the quotes and brace yourself for impact.
Anyone who claims to talk with spirits must be stoned to death (Leviticus 20:27).
Any spirit except God that is, and lest we forget Jesus.
Anyone who does not worship God must be put to death (2 Chronicles 15:13).
Ah, power through fear. How very Christian.
Any woman who has had premarital sex must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:21).
Sensible rules for the modern woman. It's like Sex in the City was never made.
If a man has sex with a menstruating women, both are to be exiled (Leviticus 20:18).
No wonder anal sex is so popular.
A man who marries a mother and daughter must burn in a fire (Leviticus 20:14).
A man who marries a mother and daughter should receive some kind of award in my book.
If two men have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:13).
You don’t get many Gay Christians do you? Actually, you do!
If a mother and son have sexual relations, both must be put to death (Leviticus 20:11).
The entire population of Grimsby must be quaking in their sandals
Anyone who commits murder must be put to death (Leviticus 24:17).
Except if they happen to be murdering Muslims, or anyone who worships other God's, and Gay people, rebellious slaves and people who don't use Coasters,
Anyone who commits adultery must be put to death (Deuteronomy 22:22).
3/4 of Hull council would be instantly wiped out
Anyone who disobeys a judge or priest must be put to death (Deuteronomy 17:12).
What if the judge or priest is corrupt? Ah, it doesn’t matter does it. You’re a peasant and should respect authority without question. It’s all so clear to me now.
Anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death (Exodus 35:2).
That’s Sainsbury’s staff fucked then.
Any prophet who tries to turn you against God must be put to death (Deuteronomy 13:5).
Kill anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Magic.
A stubborn and rebellious son must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
Look, you either let me molest you, or I’m inviting the neighbours round to throw bricks at your head.
Anyone who curses or blasphemes must be stoned to death (Leviticus 24:14-16).
Jesus Fucking Christ!
God will kill men, have their children smashed, and have their wives raped (Isaiah 13:15-16).
What a nice guy
God will lay waste to entire cities and make the lands desolate (Jeremiah 4:7).
He’s a real charmer isn’t he?
God will set people, animals, and even plants on fire because of his anger (Jeremiah 7:20).
Even Plants! I always wondered why I never saw any trees putting coins in the collection plate.
God will send so much evil that people would rather be dead than suffer (Jeremiah 8:3).
And the songs of Snow Patrol are a testament to just that.
God will cause everyone to become drunk so father and son will kill one another (Jeremiah 13:14).
If Gods buying, Ill have a double JD and coke with plenty of ice.
God will make people hungry enough to eat their own children and friends (Jeremiah 19:9).
That’s why I keep the company of Fat people.
God will burn entire cities with the inhabitants still inside (Jeremiah 50:32).
Someone really should take away this guys matches.
God will break peoples bones and knock their teeth out with stones (Lamentations 3:1-16).
He’s a poet and he didn’t even know it!
God will be comforted by killing everyone with pestilence, plagues, and swords (Ezekiel 5:12-13).
So God gets his kicks out of people killing each other. It all makes sense now!
God will turn daughters into whores and wives into adulterers (Hosea 4:13).
Hey, I’m kind of growing to like him.
God will tear people apart and devour them like a lion (Hosea 13:8).
He should really eat more vegetables; too much human flesh is bad for the colon.
God will kill children and unborn foetuses because their parents worship other gods (Hosea 13:16).
What a rotter
God will kill inhabitants of entire cities if they have a corrupt government (Micah 3:9-12).
Show me a government that isn’t corrupt and I’ll show you a three eyed midget with ten tits
God will consume every living thing from the face of the earth (Zephaniah 1:2-3).
He should really consider a diet
God will send plagues on people and animals to rot away tongues and eyes (Zechariah 14:12-15)
Now he’s just being silly
Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. (Ephesians 6:5 )
Anyone who commits murder must be put to death (Leviticus 24:17).
Except if they happen to be murdering Muslims, or anyone who worships other God's, and Gay people, rebellious slaves and people who don't use Coasters,
Anyone who commits adultery must be put to death (Deuteronomy 22:22).
3/4 of Hull council would be instantly wiped out
Anyone who disobeys a judge or priest must be put to death (Deuteronomy 17:12).
What if the judge or priest is corrupt? Ah, it doesn’t matter does it. You’re a peasant and should respect authority without question. It’s all so clear to me now.
Anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death (Exodus 35:2).
That’s Sainsbury’s staff fucked then.
Any prophet who tries to turn you against God must be put to death (Deuteronomy 13:5).
Kill anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Magic.
A stubborn and rebellious son must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
Look, you either let me molest you, or I’m inviting the neighbours round to throw bricks at your head.
Anyone who curses or blasphemes must be stoned to death (Leviticus 24:14-16).
Jesus Fucking Christ!
God will kill men, have their children smashed, and have their wives raped (Isaiah 13:15-16).
What a nice guy
God will lay waste to entire cities and make the lands desolate (Jeremiah 4:7).
He’s a real charmer isn’t he?
God will set people, animals, and even plants on fire because of his anger (Jeremiah 7:20).
Even Plants! I always wondered why I never saw any trees putting coins in the collection plate.
God will send so much evil that people would rather be dead than suffer (Jeremiah 8:3).
And the songs of Snow Patrol are a testament to just that.
God will cause everyone to become drunk so father and son will kill one another (Jeremiah 13:14).
If Gods buying, Ill have a double JD and coke with plenty of ice.
God will make people hungry enough to eat their own children and friends (Jeremiah 19:9).
That’s why I keep the company of Fat people.
God will burn entire cities with the inhabitants still inside (Jeremiah 50:32).
Someone really should take away this guys matches.
God will break peoples bones and knock their teeth out with stones (Lamentations 3:1-16).
He’s a poet and he didn’t even know it!
God will be comforted by killing everyone with pestilence, plagues, and swords (Ezekiel 5:12-13).
So God gets his kicks out of people killing each other. It all makes sense now!
God will turn daughters into whores and wives into adulterers (Hosea 4:13).
Hey, I’m kind of growing to like him.
God will tear people apart and devour them like a lion (Hosea 13:8).
He should really eat more vegetables; too much human flesh is bad for the colon.
God will kill children and unborn foetuses because their parents worship other gods (Hosea 13:16).
What a rotter
God will kill inhabitants of entire cities if they have a corrupt government (Micah 3:9-12).
Show me a government that isn’t corrupt and I’ll show you a three eyed midget with ten tits
God will consume every living thing from the face of the earth (Zephaniah 1:2-3).
He should really consider a diet
God will send plagues on people and animals to rot away tongues and eyes (Zechariah 14:12-15)
Now he’s just being silly
Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. (Ephesians 6:5 )
................I think that will do.
(2007)
(2007)
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